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#20025 - 09/06/07 08:55 PM Pursuing relationships
R Offline

Registered: 02/20/03
Posts: 226
When looking for relationships do you disassociate the fact that you have it? When I was younger (teenager years) I'd just pretend I didn't have it and had a reasonable amount of success having girls become attracted to me. I've been given phone numbers etc and have had girls give me that open receptive look while flirting with me so they must find me reasonably attractive. I've been talking to a few girls online recently after not being in a relationship for 6 years and I just can't bring myself to try and pursue any form of relationship at all. I was open about "it" to one girl in the past (we'd been flirting a lot etc, she'd actually wanted to come down and visit me) and after I told her she just basically stopped talking to me entirely. I'd actually avoided seeing her as well because I was ashamed of myself and my condition. I've been in a few intimate relationships and they hadn't seemed to care all that much really (I think) but these were with girls who were rather promiscuous... I'm past all of that at my age and really want to try and find someone who could care for me entirely. Girls seem to become attracted to me and almost put me on a pedestal at times (I'm highly shy, sensitive and introverted because of iv and I think they find that "cute") and I just can't bring myself to pursue any relationship with a (nice) attractive girl because I'm basically repulsed with myself and know that I would just let them down. When I tell regular everyday people about my condition they basically say "that sucks" "thats a shame" and can't offer me any support about it so it leads me to believe that I'm really hopeless in most ways. Even the last psychologist I saw couldn't give me any meaningful advice related to the iv (he'd told me to wear gloves etc. weird stuff that would make me come across as looking even crazier...)
It's not so much I'm afraid of what they'll think of it (I am though, of course..) it's the fact that I'm completely repulsed by myself and I don't know how to overcome that, at all. If I'm not comfortable with myself how could I be comfortable with myself and another person in an intimate setting?

#20026 - 11/07/07 06:58 PM Re: Pursuing relationships
immystique Offline

Registered: 03/09/05
Posts: 271
Loc: Grand Junction, CO, USA
Hi R!

I think that the main reason you feel you can't persue a relationship is your own feelings toward yourself. You say that you, yourself feel repulsed by your condition--not the girls. The girls, however, are picking up on your own feelings for yourself. I mean, c'mon, would you want to be with a girl who is constantly fretting about her appearance?

Say you had a girlfriend who swore she was fat, when really she's a very beautiful woman. But say all the time she complains how heavy she is, how unattractive she must be, and even asks you over and over "How can you be with someone as ugly and fat as me? You're so nice, you deserve someone thin and beautiful!" Being around a person like that would get old, wouldn't it? Well, that's probably what girls are thinking about you--simply because you feel ashamed about who you are.

Don't ask/talk to "normal" people about stuff relating to your skin. Wear gloves? Um, can you say Michael Jackson? LOL "Normal" people don't undersand, and they never will. That's why they say "That sucks" and "what a shame" and basically come across as unsupportive--they don't know what else TO say, so they CAN'T be supportive! Especially if you tell them about it in a "downer" manner. Which is probably why your online lady-friend stopped talking to you--the tone you described your condition to her portrayed that iv is a bad thing, not something that's really no big deal.

Instead, when telling someone about your condition, just say (with a smile & a friendly tone): I was born with this skin condition called ichthyosis where basically my skin grows faster than it sloughs off, so I get flakes. And because of it, my sweat and oil glands don't work as they should, so I get very dry and I get overheated easily. But the upside is that because it grows so fast, I heal quickly and don't get scars!" (smile & a light laugh)

If they still say something like "That sucks" or "What a shame" smile and tell them, "Not really, I've lived with it for the past 28 years, and I'll continue living with it for many more! It's no big deal, really." Usually the next comment is, "you seem to be handling it well, that's for sure" and the subject gets changed.

If you see someone looking at you, don't immediately assume it's because of your skin. If you're going to assume anything, assume it's because you're frickin' H.O.T!!! Give them a flirty smile, maybe a little wave, maybe a wink, and continue on, my friend!

One thing that will help you get over yourself and your youthful mojo back is to say affirmations to yourself. Out loud. But not in public, or people WILL think you're strange and you might as well be wearing those gloves! Say positive stuff like my "Admit it...I'm awesome!" or maybe a more subtle "I'm unique, attractive, and an all-out nice guy. Women like me, want me, and deserve me."

Believe me, you WON'T be letting anyone down! For someone out there, you're the best thing that ever will happen to her. And she will be yours. Don't let this condition rule your life. You only get one life--do you really want to waste it feeling sorry for yourself, or do you want to make the most of it?
If the grass looks greener on the other side, maybe it's time to start watering your lawn!

#20027 - 07/20/08 06:14 PM Re: Pursuing relationships
zmike1981z Offline

Registered: 07/20/08
Posts: 8
Loc: tallahassee, florida, united s...
using the internet is a waste. if you find someone that has the same thing as you ok it makes sense. its easy to hide behind a computer screen. if you meet them in person then they know what you look like and they already had the chance to run. if they didnt your in much better shape. i used to do that when i was younger. it never worked because when they meet you if you told them or not they would notice. it takes a special person to understand what makes you you cant be changed. that person will also not want you any other way.

as far as the fat girl thing. no it wouldn't get me sick because i like being supportive and making people feel better about themselves. if she is fat and unattractive then she is. When I am with the person i love i forget for a moment who i am. Its a time of peace. other girls i havent had that feeling. if you dont try you never get hurt. if you do try you will get hurt. thats the safe way but its pretty lonely. I never thought i would find anyone that i could be totally open with. i was wrong. i might actually find more throughout my life.

#25719 - 01/13/10 03:21 PM Re: Pursuing relationships [Re: zmike1981z]
sajid1975 Offline
New member

Registered: 05/21/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Flushing, NY, USA
Give it time, you will meet that special partner that will accept you for who and what you are, I grew up with IV and I to went through that cycle until I met my current wife whom has accepted the issue even though she did not want our future child to have the issue. Luckily our son is not IV. We are expecting to have another child and pray to god that the child is not IV. Hopefully in the future we have the option to clean our DNA of this mutation. Good luck and cheer up, it could be much worse

#25783 - 01/22/10 06:53 AM Re: Pursuing relationships [Re: R]

Hay R
My name is Kenny,Sup man don't bet ur self up over the condition, just let them know that they can not get it. It runs in your family that was past down from generations. Like my family only the females carry it and if the women have a boy they will be the one that gets it, But the boys don't carry the gene. I dnt know how it runs in ur family. So keep ur head up man if you ever want to chat to me my e-mail addy is Hit me up bro. I lived with this condition all my life and my grandfather had it all his life to. You will find someone that will love you for you just keep positive and keep tring to find that woman that you will love and she will not evan know you have a skin condition after a while. Well ttyl bro good luck with finding a good gal in ur life.

#26555 - 06/25/10 09:45 PM Re: Pursuing relationships [Re: Anonymous]
Adrienne1 Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 24
Loc: Visalia, CA. Tulare County
female perspective...I have Ich (I think it's CIE). I tried using the internet for relationships because I was ashamed of the way my skin looks. Most of my past relationships have not cared. Many have told me that they like me for who am I and not what I look like. My friends love me for my personality. They accept that I look this way and that I can't change it. My family loves me for me. I don't care what I look like. Never have really. In school, I developed a personality that would outshine the disorder and I usually act like I don't even have it. My personality is what matters most. Looks fade, unless you're Joan Rivers, we all get wrinkles and sun/age spots. Looks go away in the end. People won't remember you for what you look like. They'll remember you for how you acted towards others. Accept that your skin looks the way it does and that if a woman likes you and wants to be with you, they will accept the skin disease.
26, affected (CIE I think)only one in family. Mother to Riley 22 months, unaffected.

#28776 - 01/28/13 04:37 AM Re: Pursuing relationships [Re: R]
CodyV Offline
New member

Registered: 01/28/13
Posts: 4
None of my relationships have noticed or cared. I keep lotion on myself and and take care of my skin. Even in the winter when it's the worst no one seems to care because I'm paranoid about keeping lotioned/not wanting to itch my face, hands, sides or stomach off 8D


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